What Will Be Said About You?

Have you ever thought about what would be said about you when you die? I mean what will be said about you at your funeral. Will they remember you as a caring, loving, giving person or will you be remembered as a shady, mean, hurtful human being. I would like to think I am on the right track to being the person who God wants me to be. I am struggling with a few things but I am trying. I am not sure what I want to be said about me but I hope that I would have changed the world for the better. Some people live their lives searching for something but the reality is it is not about the destination. I don’t know what my purpose may be on earth but I am trying to find joy in searching for my purpose. In the midst of my journey, I realize that the farther you go the harder it becomes. This is not at all what I was planning on writing when I started this. I wanted it to be about the things that will be said about you when you are gone but instead it has become about the journey that I am on. I have things that I need to let go so that I am able to move forward without anything holding me back. They are things that really only affect me because when I think about it no one else seems to be bothered by them. I just recently came to the conclusion that it is time for me to grow up and just let them go. In a sense, I guess a lot of them are me trying to hold on to my childhood. Hoping for that sense of not having real responsibility, just being care free. But sense I am about to enter into my thirtieth year of being here, I am getting the feeling that God would like me to just let them go. It is very much a struggle and sense I do not currently have the best relationship with God, I am also searching for the best way to allow him back into my life fully. A lot of the pain and hurt that I am holding on to is based within the church. I know that it wasn’t God but those representing him have put a bad taste in my mouth. And I guess I was kind of holding that against him but I realize now that those who are representing him are human and do make mistakes. I make mistakes and no one really holds that against me. I can go to God right now and ask for forgiveness and really mean it and he will just forgive me and have no recollection of my sin yet I can hold onto something that happened eleven years ago and still want some kind of apology. Really what has holding on to that gotten me; nothing but some bad memories. So I am taking that stance of “Grow up, Deidre and let the b.s. go!”